Chopped Liver and Onions
by Sci-Fi Raptor
Summary: Remember that Onion that sent Keitaro to the hospital? Well, Keitaro does. And he remembers how it ruined his comfortable relationship with Naru. So he decides to get some revenge and plots a prank. But something goes wrong. Dead wrong. Oneshot


Chopped Liver and Onions 

By: Sci-Fi Raptor

(-O-)

"Remember that onion?" Kentaro joked as he and his not so new friend made their way through the Tokyo University grounds.

"I remember it very well," Keitaro grumbled, the memory of said onion falling off of the roof it was perched on due to a strong breeze on the day of the entrance ceremony still fresh. Many a day he remembered how he had been stuck in a hospital bed for so long, held back from finally realizing his dream. And making the stark mistake of admitting to Naru how he truly felt about her.

Naru. Oh! How he dreamed of her night and day. How he wished that she would only be the girl of his memories. How he hoped beyond hope that Mutsumi wasn't really the promise girl. How he prayed that maybe, just maybe, she felt about him how he felt about her. But it was out of the question. Though it wasn't his fault most of the time, and he almost never had any bad intentions, he always ended up in some awkward position with her. Positions that she usually interpreted as grounds for him being a pervert and punished him by giving him a one-way ticket to 'paradise,' aka, low earth orbit…

"Keitaro…" Kentaro repeated, waving his hand in front of his spacey friend.

"Sorry, what was that?" Keitaro apologized, going into a less depressive demeanor.

"Moping over Naru again, weren't you?" Kentaro said knowingly.

"No I wasn't!" Keitaro automatically replied, blushing.

"You're so obvious, Keitaro," Kentaro said, putting his hand on Keitaro's shoulder. "If it weren't for that stupid onion, I bet by now, you and Naru would be f-"

"SSHHH!" Keitaro interrupted, clamping his hand over Kentaro's mouth. He was as red as a cherry, and hoped that no one was looking his way. When he let go, Kentaro took a big gulp to catch his breath.

"AIR!" he gasped, but instantly gained his calm composure again. "Why don't we get back at that onion?" Kentaro said to Keitaro cryptically.

"What do you mean?" Keitaro asked worriedly.

'Whisper, whisper…' Kentaro whispered into the manager's ear. As would be expected, the plot petrified Keitaro. But for some reason, listening to Kentaro's carefully laid out plans made the plan alluring and he was soon taken.

(O)

(Hinata-sou, 9:45 PM)

As usual, Keitaro, Mutsumi and Naru were studying together in her room. Mutsumi was hard at work, like Naru, though Keitaro was fidgeting and constantly glanced at Naru. Needless to say, she caught on and was soon annoyed by him.

"What!" Naru said aggressively, as if she had caught Keitaro in the act of soiling Shinobu.

"N-n-nothing…" Keitaro replied weakly. He timidly shoved his face back into his book, too embarrassed to say what had been troubling him for some time.

_She never replied to my confession, _he thought._ Does she feel the same way I do?_ He imagined a scene in which he confessed to her again and (with magical flowers blooming in the air around her) she confessed her love for him._ Does she not like me at all?_ he thought, imaging a scene where he confessed to her again and she made the most devastating attack ever; the Pervert Annihilator, Mark 1. _Or does she just see me as a friend and won't reply because she doesn't want to hurt me?_ he thought, once more confessing to her, but she rejected him as politely as she could.

"Na-chan?" Mutsumi suddenly asked.

"Yes, Mu-chan?" she replied, looking away from her books.

"How do you feel about Kei-kun?" she asked with a serious face. Keitaro yelled 'What!' while Naru looked at her in utter disbelief.

"He confessed to you, so do you like him too?" Mutsumi asked.

"Do I like him?" Naru repeated, this time thoughtful. "He is pretty hardworking, and he has gotten a bit cuter…" she thought out loud, but caught herself. "Why would I like a pervert like him!" she suddenly accused, point an accusing finger at the person in question. As if she had caught him in the act of going through her underwear, she rolled back her fist and let fly the resident perv.

"Good," Mutsumi said quietly, smiling a little.

"Why would you suddenly ask me that, Mu-chan?" Naru said, wanting to no.

"Oh… no reason…" Mutsumi lied.

"Naru-sempai, Mutsumi-sempai, Keitaro-sempai, Su, dinner is ready!" the resident cook called.

"BANANAS!" a yellow and brown blur yelled, rushing past the corridor, followed by a trail of warm liquid.

…

(O)

(Hinata-sou, 10:45 PM)

He had finally made it back. Landing in a lawn full of attack dogs during a pitch-black night like this was not fun. Especially when you happened to land on one. Keitaro gingerly nursed the multiple bite marks all over his puny, laughable calves.

"Tadaima…" he said weakly as he entered the house. That long climb up the stairs leading to the mansion took a lot out of him, and it did no good for his swollen legs. All he could think about was the delicious dinner that would await him and some well deserved sleep.

"I'm sorry Sempai," Shinobu called from the dining room as Keitaro made his way there. "But Su ate almost all of the food. We barely had enough for everyone else, so you'll have to eat ramen for tonight." She finished. Keitaro had just arrived at the dining room when she finished speaking, and he felt like crying. _When will it stop…_

When Shinobu saw the look of despair on his face, she smiled at him warmly and said, "If you wait a little, I can scrounge something up for you."

"It's okay…" Keitaro said. "It's late, and I don't want to bother you on a school night, especially the week before your exams."

"Okay, Sempai." Shinobu said, smiling that loving smile of hers to him. Keitaro went to the kitchen to have "dinner."

The bite marks were really just bruises, so he ignored them since he'd fared worse. He microwaved some ramen, but ended up eating only a few noodles. He brushed his teeth and went to bed early. Just as he was about to go to sleep, Naru barged in.

"Naru?" Keitaro asked weakly.

"Keitaro! What are you doing going to sleep! You have to fix my room so I can sleep. And do it quickly, I need my beauty rest!"

_It will never end…_

(O)

(Hinata-sou, 12:00 AM)

After being constantly nagged by Naru over how much an inconvenience it was that she had to stay awake while he worked, blissfully forgetting that it was her fault in the first place that her room was wrecked, Keitaro finally went to bed. He had fixed her room in record time, and gotten the materials needed at even more impressive record breaking speeds. And now he finally rested on his futon, waiting patiently for blissful sleep to take him away from such a cruel world.

But alas, he was would have to wake up in only two hours. He had to get to Kentaro's place by 2:30 so that operation 'Chopped Liver' would stay on schedule.

(-)

Keitaro woke up to the sound of the phone buzzing next to his ear. _What time is it?_ He thought groggily. He checked his watch and almost screamed to find that it was 2:15. He knew that he would just make it if he just left and changed en-route to Tokyo University, so he quietly snuck out of the mansion and hauled butt to Kentaro's mansion. He thought he had left unnoticed, and even put a manikin in his futon to fool anyone if they got suspicious and checked to see if he was in bed, but he didn't know that he was being followed by someone in the darkness.

When he reached Kentaro's mansion, the unhappy face of his fellow comrade greeted him.

"You're late…" he said impatiently.

"I'm sorry, I guess my alarm didn't go off…" Keitaro said ashamed.

"You're not changed, either," Kentaro added, looking him up and down. Before he could apologize, Kentaro said, "It doesn't matter anyway. I got some better gear at the last second." Kentaro dragged Keitaro to his room and opened one of his closets. Inside was a vast array of all the secret spy gear that a civilian could ever have, even some that weren't for civilians. "Take this, this and this," Kentaro said, throwing some stuff at him. Keitaro just changed right then and there, and got a nod of approval from Kentaro. He handed him some unusual looking shades. "These are night vision shades," Kentaro explained. "If you're riding with me, you ride in style."

"Okay…" Keitaro said. Curiosity got the better of him, and he poked around the closet a little more until he found an item that he'd been hoping to get his hands on for some time. "What's this?" Keitaro said innocently, taking out what appeared to be a handgun.

"It's a gas projected bb gun," Kentaro said. It looked like a gun, felt like a gun, but it wasn't a gun. There were too many laws against guns, making it almost impossible to get real ones and very difficult to get fake ones. But Kentaro had connections and it was just another one of his toys.

"Can I take it?" Keitaro asked.

"Why? Its not like you can get anyone with it. Its too weak," Kentaro said dismissively.

"It would feel like a real spy mission if I had it," Keitaro whined, attaching a silencer that he just found. Kentaro looked at his watch and said, "Fine, whatever, we're running out of time. Let's go."

The two ran outside to a van that was parked at the front that Kentaro had rented for this special night. They jumped in and the van peeled out. They sped away into the distance, soon enveloped inside a thick cloud of smoke that would seemingly render their van invisible to the world.

Unknowns to them, however, a shadowy figure clung to their roof.

(O)

(Tokyo University, 4:15 AM)

"Slowly… slowly…" Kentaro coached as the two slowly separated the onion from its place on the building. The onion gave and the two rested for a bit.

"I can't believe I'm actually doing this!" Keitaro said.

"Not so loud," Kentaro scolded. Within minutes, they got up again and put the onion on a rolling platform. They attached the platform to a rope that went through a pulley fixed into the roof of the building. The rope then went down and was affixed to the van. Kentaro went down the ramp they had set up for the onion to roll down on and went into the driver's seat of the van. Keitaro stayed with the onion to keep it on course as it rolled down. Kentaro gave the signal that he was ready and Keitaro gave him the signal to go and they started the latter part of their scheme. Within minutes, the onion was on ground level and ready to be put into the van, which would be accomplished with a platform on the van that would lift with onion up with hydraulics into the cargo area. After that, all that was left was to retrieve the ramp and be on their merry way.

"I can't believe we're getting away with this," Kentaro said with excitement.

"Me either…" Keitaro replied, shaking his hand.

Suddenly, their night vision goggles went white due to overexposure. The two took off the blinding visors and let their eyes focus. What they saw almost made them wet their pants.

"This is the police! Move away from the van slowly, with you hands up!" someone said over a loud speaker. Police and (Japanese) SWAT formed semicircle around them with guns ready for bear. A casual glance told the two that there was no way to escape, if they could miraculously avoid being shot at.

"Shit!" Kentaro said, and reached for the sky immediately. He looked over Keitaro to see how disappointed he probably looked, since Kentaro was very disappointed over the unfortunate development but he wasn't that one whose love life crumbled because of the onion. This prank would have given Keitaro enough closure to possibly move on with his life.

But he didn't see a look of disappointment or despair. Instead, he saw a look that seemed to say that he had gotten the upper hand. He had a small smile on his face when he glanced back at Kentaro and gave him a wink.

_He wouldn't… _Kentaro thought, thinking he was going to try to escape. _He's got the whole invincibility thing going for him, but he's no superhero! _To his surprise and utter horror, Keitaro suddenly reached into his jacket and brought out the bb gun.

"He's got a gun!" shout an officer and the sounds of all of their guns cocking made a wave through their ranks. Realizing the gravity of the situation, Kentaro flattened himself to the ground, all the while yelling, "It's not a real gun! For God's sake it isn't real!"

But Keitaro must have forgotten to have taken his medications that day, since he yelled, "You'll never get me alive!" and squeezed off two bb's. Of course, the police didn't expect to hear the ear-shattering jolt of bullets flying because of the 'silencer,' so they all got into firing positions behind the safety of their cars when they saw the smoke escape the gun's chamber.

"Let go of the gun of you _will _be fired upon!"

"It's not real for God's sake!"

"You'll never get me!" Keitaro screamed again in full panic mode, using the van for cover as if he were a spy. He shot at an officer and he went down.

(-)

(Keitaro's POV)

"Man down!"

"Kill the bastard!"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"NO!"

Thud. He was surprised that he heard his head crash onto the ground, but not feel the impact. But he was also surprised by the fact that all he felt when the bullets went through him was a slight scorching sensation with the mild flavor of something crashing into him, followed by complete dullness. His vision was rapidly deteriorating but something clearly registered in his ear.

"SEMPAI!"

_Shinobu?_ he thought. He opened his eyes when he felt his head tilt forward a bit and rest onto something soft, but all he saw was darkness.

"Sempai…" Shinobu whimpered, tears streaming as she saw her beloved lying in a pool of his own blood. Keitaro could not hold back his overwhelming sense of guilt. She wasn't supposed to see this. He was supposed to just disappear without them ever knowing.

"Why sempai? Why would you do this?" Shinobu cried, trying to grasp why Keitaro did what he did.

"Because, Shinobu… the promise… it was just a lie," he said, feeling his body get colder. "Nobody loves me…" he ended up whispering. Shinobu stared down at his fading pools in horror. Then guilt.

"You're wrong, sempai. You were loved. You've always been loved," she said, collapsing into his chest.

"But Naru…" he started, but Shinobu put a finger to his mouth. She brought her face down towards his and whispered, "You're wrong sempai, because," she said, kissing him tenderly. "Because I love you," she whispered when she broke it.

Keitaro looked up at her in shock, as the telltale signs that he'd never noticed suddenly became glaringly clear. His face softened and he said weakly, "I'm so sorry, for never noticing you, my dear Shinobu," Keitaro said. Shinobu smiled, finally getting the recognition she'd always wanted. But she turned pale when he started convulsing, and to her horror, coughing up blood. When the attack subsided, Shinobu was caressing him in her arms like a mother would her child.

"I'm so sorry, Shinobu," Keitaro said, his orbs slowly becoming grey. "Why couldn't I have found you sooner…"

"It's okay, sempai. You have me now," Shinobu said, tears of happiness streaming down her face while she held him in a tight embrace. Her smile disappeared, however, when she realized that something was amiss. "Sempai?" she asked. "Sempai…" she asked again, shaking him a little. "Sempai!" she screamed when he wouldn't speak.

"I need you to let her go, little girl," an adult said, taking her away from her precious sempai.

"Sempai! Something's wrong with him!" she said. The medical technician took Keitaro's body and put it on a stretcher. They rolled it to the waiting ambulance where the fallen cop was being treated.

"Don't worry," the medic said to him, finishing the eye patch that he was applying on the officer's face. "The swelling should clear up in a few weeks. Count yourself lucky that it was just a bb pellet and not a real bullet," he said, releasing him.

"Thanks doc," the officer said and went back to his patrol car.

"I told you it wasn't real!" Kentaro screamed again as he was shoved into a patrol car, tears streaming down his face. "Stupid Urashima! Did you really think you were a spy or something!"

"I'm sorry, little girl, but only family can stay with him in the ambulance," the medic said as they loaded Keitaro in.

"I'm his sister," she lied instantly. The medic gave her a suspicious look, but let her in anyway. They closed the doors behind them and the ambulance was on its way. They cut open his shirt and gave him an IV. They did the best they could to stabilize his bleeding, but he just hand too many bullets in him. When the ambulance finally got to the hospital, he was announced DOA, a hysterical blue haired girl latched onto him.

A few days later, the DA declared his case suicide by cop.

(O)

(Hinata-sou, 12:00AM)

_Why do I put up with it anymore? I've finally got into Todai, but they still don't respect me a bit. And what about my promise girl? She has yet to show herself. And what about that happily ever after BS? Where is my piece of the pie! Nothing's changed! Everthing that I've believed was true up till now was a lie!_

_ Naru hates me, everyone else thinks I'm a pervert. I have no redeeming qualities. No one wants me and I have no reason to go on. So why do I try anymore…_ Keitaro thought as he went into a semi-conscious state.

He slowly got up and made his way to the telephone.

(-)

Shinobu was 'going to the bathroom,' when she noticed her sempai going to bed. She couldn't help but notice that he lay awake, thinking about something. Something must have been bothering him, since he'd been acting funny all day and he didn't even finish his ramen. _I'll have to remember to make him a bigger breakfast for tomorrow then_, she thought.

She watched from the shadows for a few more minutes until she was satisfied. As she turned to leave, however, she heard the sounds of someone getting up. She turned around to see her sempai get up and walk to the phone. She stayed away from sight, even though he didn't seem to be fully awake. He called a number and waited for the other person to pick up.

"Yes. Uh-huh… No, I'll make this anonymous. Yeah… well, what I have to say is that I found out that there will be a terrorist attack at Todai sometime between 4 and 4:30 AM tonight. Yes, I'm serious! Make sure you be careful though, they'll be armed and dangerous. What? I can't tell you how I got this information! I'll be killed! Okay. Alright. You can trace this number in case this is a prank. Whatever. (yawn…) goodnight."

Before Keitaro could place the phone on the receiver, though, he was fast asleep.

Shinobu thought that Keitaro had been acting weird, and him sleep walking was just a testament to that. Even though she had school the next day, she decided to stay up all night and keep him out of trouble. Even though he didn't know it, she loved him and would do anything for him. She was just hoping that maybe, someday soon, she would finally be able to have the courage to confess her feelings.


End file.
